Hell is…

Remember the 70s cartoon “Love is…“? It was a one-panel cartoon in which a naked cartoon couple would demonstrate examples of what “love is.” (Not as naughty — or as fun — as it sounds). Love is… wanting to give her the moon and the stars; a feeling to treasure; and so on.

If I was a better cartoonist, or at least better at Photoshop, (or just plain had the time), I would create my own series of cartoons called “Hell is…” But for now, I’ll just settle for what some of the captions would be.

Hell is…

… A husband who takes several 3-day business trips in one month, leaving you at home alone with a toddler and an infant for unassisted 72-hour stretches.

… An infant who wants to nurse every hour (can you say “growth spurt?”).

… A toddler who refuses to eat dinner, and even though you say “Fine, go hungry,” he whines from 6 p.m. to 9 p.m. about not wanting to eat it.

… Eating absolutely nothing for twelve hours because you have an infant who refuses to be put down (or nap) for longer than three minutes at a stretch during the day.

… A toddler who whines, and later screams, the phrase “I don’t wanna go to sleep!” repeatedly from 9 p.m. to 10:45 p.m.

… Bringing your toddler into bed with you out of abject fear that he wake the baby when he wakes screaming at 2 a.m.

… A toddler who incessantly whines “I want a snaaaaack… Pleeease? I want a snaaaaack… Pleeease? ” in your ear at 2:30 a.m. (because he skipped dinner) until you finally get out of bed again in an effort to save you sanity.

… Sharing your bed with a toddler who sleeps in such a way that it seems like you are sharing your bed with the entire cast of The Nutcracker. While they perform.

… A toddler who won’t stop talking to you while you lie in bed nursing the baby and trying to sleep at 5 a.m.

… A toddler who insists on sitting on your lap while you pump at 5:30 a.m.

… Six a.m. Good morning, world! Time to start the day!

The sleep and food deprivation I have endured over the past three days make me think that the Monkeyboy aspires to a position of power at Abu Ghraib. He’s just honing his skills on me.